A Peek Inside a Beautiful Mind

backlashed @ 2005-05-14T23:09:00

2005-05-15T03:04:14Z

You Are A Fir Tree

You love anything beautiful, and you have extraordinary taste.

And while it's hard for you to trust, you care deeply for those close to you.

You are a social butterfly, and you have many friends.

You handle stress well - and you are a master at relaxing after a hard day.

Overall, you are modest, talented, unselfish, and very reliable.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

I've Got Good News and I've Got Bad News

2005-05-13T12:38:14Z

Good news or bad news first? Ok. Bad news.

Actually, if you think about it, it might not really be bad news. I've decided not to be friends with Jordan anymore. I've realized that the relationship that I have with him is only hurting me. I've thought about this a few times, but never committed to it, or even told him about it. This time I left him a thorough explanation in his lj account, so i can't turn back this time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth anything. He always puts me last on the list and I've always put him first on mine. I asked him if he would go to the prom with me and he said no. He said that the last two he went to were really horrible, it would be awkward and that he didn't have the time or money to rent a tux. Obviously he cares more about him self than anything else and if this had been the only time that he put his own feelings before mine, I wouldn't have cared so much, but it is not the first time and I'm sick of it. He's having a self-pity party and I'm tired of feeling sorry for him and worrying about him and trying to make him feel better when he's blind to everyone else's pain. I'm tired of feeling like someone I love so much doesn't give a damn about me. I've been trying to move on, but now I'm really going to try.

Okay, sorry I got a little carried away. It was only supposed to be a few sentences, but my mind kept going and my fingers did too. anyway, the good news is that i might be going to the prom anyway. A friend of mine, Greg, is going to see if he can get the night off of work and I'm going to try to meet him on Tuesday before hand. I'm also supposed to have a date wit Matt today. that might kind of be bad news because I haven't talked to him in a few days,but I'm sure I'll talk to him later. I'm not worried. HaHa! For once I'm not worried about something, maybe I am moving on.

What I'd really like to say to You...

2005-05-12T12:40:43Z

I'm really worried about you. You know how much I care about you. You told me before that you never wanted to keep yourself from me, but you do. Why is that? You know that no matter what you say, or how you feel or what you've done, it would never change how I feel about you. I probably shouldn't complain about you hiding yourself because I've been just as bad if not worse about it. We've known eachother for 8 months and you still don't really know anything about me and I don't ever tell you how I really feel. The only time I ever did was that day in February, you know which one, the day I fell apart in front of you. After that I tried to cut off all the feelings that I have for you, but instead I shut you out and pushed you away from myself.

I'm sorry. It just hurts so much and I didn't want you to know. I hate this weakness that I have and I've never wanted anyone to see it, but now i feel that I have to. It has become to hard for me to deal with all these feelings by myself and I really just need to tell someone. I don't know if anyone deserves to know more than you do. I'm still in love with you. I don't know if you ever believed me when I said that I loved you the first time, but I really did mean it. I've been trying to get over it since then, but I haven't and it doesn't seem like I can. I don't really know why I fell in love with you in the first place, I never wanted to. I knew that I would get hurt if I did because deep down, I knew that you could never love me the same way, especially since you were in love with someone else. I never wanted to love you, but I know that you can't help who you fall in love with, no matter how bad things might be if you do.

It doesn't seem fair to me. Everyone says that you can accomplish anything if you try. I've never tried harder to do something in my life. I guess that this rule doesn't apply when it comes to other people's hearts. I don't know what hurts most anymore. I used to think that not trying and losing someone was the worst feeling, but now I think that trying your best and putting your whole heart into something and failing is worse. But maybe it just seems that way because this has broken all these scars that I thought would never be cut open again.

I didn't tell you, but I've been out with another guy recently, in fact, I have a date with him tomorrow. his name is Matt and he's really nice and I like him a lot. I told myself that the reason that I haven't told you is because I thought things would get weird between us and I thought that you would shut yourself off completely from me. Really, I didn't tell you because I knew that my feelings for you are still so strong and it's interfering with any potential relationships that I have. When I've talked to Matt, I often find myself talking about you to him, or comparing him to you. He seems to be a lot like you, but in ways he's better, but that doesn't matter if I still care about you.

I don't want to lose our fiendship. Everyone knows how important it is to me, but I don't know how I'm going to stop feeling this way if something doesn't change. I still want you to go to the prom with me, I think we would have a great time. But maybe after that, we could stop doing the things we do when we're alone. I definitely think that those actions have a huge effect on how I feel about you. Because those moments feel so right, but maybe it's that wrong if thinking of you makes me feel this way.

Just a song I've started

2005-05-12T12:02:53Z

Everything will change
So I don't know what to do
That's the way you are
That's the way I am too.
I think I can try
But things still won't work
It's in you to pull away
When things get awkward.

I don't want to be alone
But I don't want to lose you
I don't want to forfeit our friendship
But it seems like I might have to.
I don't want to be afraid
But I don't know what you'll say
I don't want things to change
You don't need to pull away.

Recent Events...

2005-05-09T12:12:52Z

Wow. I haven't made a journal entry in a while. I really haven't had anything go on lately except that my mother is bitching at me a lot. I went to NY and it was fun. I met some cool people (and some not so cool ones) and got some of their screen names. I think I'm going out with Matt again (Finally!) on Friday. He's really nice. I hope that things work out with him.

I've started getting these migrains. The doctor said it's probably triggered by my sinus infection. I think it might be because of all this stress. I mean I'm on overdose from my mom's bitching and I'm worried about how things are going to change with Jordan if I start seeing someone. I don't want to lose our friendship or have things be weird between us, but I don't want to be out of a relationship forever either. It's hard not to think about this sometimes (especially at night before I go to bed) even though I know that I should just wait until it gets to that to worry about it. maybe it's because Jordan is so important to me.

To get back to something less depressing (yet still related), let us talk a bout Matt a little more. If I haven't told you yet, he's 21, about 5'10 and he lives in Adams. He's really nice and I like him a lot. His personality makes him super cute too. As of today, I haven't seen him in a month, which is really sad, but like I said, I am probably going to see him on Friday.

Ah. I think I'm done for right now. I don't really know what else to say. I've been having a problem expressing myself lately, Maybe it's because there's just so many things that I don't want to think or feel right now that I can't help but think and feel.

backlashed @ 2005-04-27T08:13:00

2005-04-27T12:38:01Z

First of all, I thought of a poem when I was in the car, so I have to write that down first.

For all the playfulness
A statue was erected
In the man's garden.

Soon it was used
In the children's play
And it fell all too quickly.

The girl was disappointed
And the boy ashamed,
But the statue will stand again.

Okay, this poem may seem like a cute little story about two kids playing in a garden where a statue is built, but this is actually a poem about something else. If you put emphasis on certain words you can see what it is really about, which in some people's minds' may not be apropriate, but I think anything is apropriate for a poem.

Anyway, I am going on the trip to NYC this weekend. I just handed in the money and permission slips to Mr. Fesel at PHS. I didn't get to see my friends yesterday though. I waited on the front steps until 2:28 and no one showed up. I would have waited longer, but I had the Japanese trip meeting to go to.

Other than that, all I did yesterday was help my sister memorize a poem entitiled "Muted Music" and talked to Matt. HE IS SO NICE. He's thinking of joining Americorps sometime in the future. Matt says he likes to help people whenever he can and I told him that his plans were really awesome and completely selfless. I also told him that I was glad he wouldn't be doing it right away, since I only just met him and that I really want to get to know him better and he said "me too". I have to say, that really made my day. I hope things work out with him because he would be, from what I can tell so far, probably one of the best guys ever to be a girl's boyfriend (well at least a girl like me anyway, some girls have messed up criteria).

I'm gunna go now, class is almost over.

Japan in NYC

2005-04-26T12:28:31Z

So, it's pretty much official, I am going to NYC this weekend. It's a field trip for PHS on Japanese culture. I am so glad that my boss let me out of work for the three days. It cost $225 though, which is a lot to me right now, but in general it's really a good deal. It includes the bus ride and hotel, and I think certain meals, but I don't know.

The only things that is bugging me is that Jon says it's probably almost all Sophomore's and Freshman. I really wish that one of my friends was going, like Sarah because she's really into that like I am and it would be a great opportunity to catch up. If she didn't have the money right now, I would even front her the money to go and she could pay me back later, in installments if she had to.

After school, I am going over to PHS to see everyone. I'm really glad that I am finally doing it, but I should have done it a long time ago. After that, I'm going to be seeing the teacher that arranged the trip because he said he wanted to meet me and probably give me a ll the information.

Tomorrow, I'm walking to Jordan's house after school. I really feel bad about his car, the transmission failed. I asked my dad if Jordan could borrow the Mercury, but he can't because it isn't inspected and it couldn't pass inspection because the brakes are shot. The Ford is fine, but my dad wouldn't let him borrow it. I'm not mad for that though, I mean he doesn't know Jordan very well. My dad probably also thinks that Jordan might smoke and then drive the truck and the truck is a lot more valuable than the Mercury, so he'd rather not take that chance. I wouldn't either if I were him, I like that truck a lot, but if it were my decision, I'd let Jordan borrow it because I know he doesn't drive impaired like that.

Well, I guess that's all I have to talk about right now, maybe later I'll have something.

Left handed...

2005-04-25T12:38:48Z

Yesterday, I found out that Matt is left handed and it is worrying me.The fact that he's left handed is a sign, a sign that I'm going to become very emotionally attatched to him and that's not what I want right now, not with anyone.
I guess what I really wanted was someone that I could go out with, without so many emotions attatched. I want a relationship where the friendship developes quickly, but the true feeligns develope much later on. I don't want someone to feel like they're being cheated out of something because I still have feelings for someone else.
I also don't want to take the risk that I might get my heart broken by another man so soon, but I don't know, I don't really think that will happen, so maybe I'm ready to move on.

Matt does seem like someone who is ready for a relationship and before Jordan, I was at the point where I was really ready for one. Maybe I'm not ready, but I'm going to try. If I don't what is the point? I might never move on if I don't try. So for now, I'm just going to try and forget about my feelings for Jordan and try to get involved with someone else, even if Matt doesn't work out, I need a change. I need something or someone who will keep my mind away from all that, so I forget it and get over it.

New Songs...

2005-04-18T18:26:58Z

I DON'T BELONG

Sometimes I feel so alone
Like no one’s there
Like nobody cares
For me
I wish someone could see

Refrain:
That I’m broken, broken
Deep in my heart
That I’m shattered, shattered
Playing this part
I don’t belong
To anyone

Sometimes I feel so sad
Like I can’t focus
Like no one will notice
Me
I wish that someone would see

[Refrain]

No, No
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong anywhere

And I wish you would see

[Refrain]

I’m broken, broken
Deep in my heart
I’m shattered, shattered
Playing this part
I’m broken, broken
Deep in my heart
I’m shattered, shattered
Playing this part

I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
To anyone

YOU WERE

I need to let go
But I’m still afraid
That you might need me
And someone to blame
I need to let go
But I just can’t seem to
I need to move on
I can’t keep from bleeding through

Refrain:
And I thought
You were my best friend
And I was wrong
Again in the end
And I thought
That you cared for me
And I was wrong
That’s just how it seemed

I need to let go
But I still think
That you might need me
More than that drink
I need to let go
But I don’t know if I can
I need to move on
To another man

[Refrain]

That’s just how it seemed to me.

[Refrain]

I thought
I was wrong
Yeah, I thought
But I was wrong

[Refrain]

You were my best friend [x2]
But you lied to me.

Moving On...

2005-04-13T22:59:19Z

I hung out with Jordan today, but not for very long. It was kind of disappointing, but he did lend me money to buy Gravitation. I was really pissed about my stuff from rightstuf.com were back ordered and that the stuff I ordered on Amazon wasn't sent right away, but now I know I'll be getting them probably by the middle of next week. I'm so happy. I ordered GRAVITATION t-shirt, dvd vol.1 and art box! I also ordered another t-shirt in Kanji. YAYA. I want my stuff!

On a more intimate level, I think I'm finally ready to move on. I'm writting a song about it, and I'm going to tell a certain someone about the date I had on Saturday. I know that I'm not ready if I can't tell him the truth. I just wish I wasn't attracted to him anymore, then I wouldn't feel like kissing him when he turns to me with that look on his face. I didn't kiss him today. I probably woud've regretted it if I had, but it still kind of made me feel down. It's okay though, I'm okay.

Bored and taking random quizes again...

2005-04-13T12:18:25Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	erotic
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	beautiful
Your smile is...	hypnotising
Your love is...	everlasting

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Aw, it says such nice things.

Would anyone want to bang you? by phobia
Name:
Favorite Food:
Wants to Bang you:
This many times:	210

Quiz created with MemeGen!

oooh. Johnny Depp.

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	9
your best quality is	you help friends in need
your worst quality is	you get annoyed @ stupid peep
this is because	you were born this way

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Seems pretty true.

Dream Analisis...

2005-04-12T12:26:06Z

The $85,000 must represent all the problems we'll have to go through during our lives. The whole reading the book/living the book, I think, represents fate. I believe in fate. I think its kind of like a half written book. There's a bunch of people you're supposed to meet and things you are supposed to experience, but the way you react is your choice.

The part that Jordan was supposed to die in the book is just to show how much I care about him. I worry about him sometimes, you know? I'd never want anything bad to happen to him and if I could prevent something like that, I sure as hell would try.

As for me not looking like myself, I'd just say that it probably shows the way I wish I looked. I'm not sure why Ghiang looked different, maybe because he was insignificant in the dream. David wasn't in the story probably because he isn't around anymore. He moved to Philly a few weeks ago and Jordan says he's doing well.

As for the thing that Jordan doesn't normally do in public, well I think he did because he did twice before without calling attention to it. I think that that even though he really doesn't want people to know about it, I think that he sort of does, to brag or something (just not in a mean way towards me), I dunno. The way I reacted was how I usually do.

The things he said were how I think he really wants things to be between us. I don't exactly know how he feels, but this is what he thinks is best. He doesn't want to take the chance that he might lose the friendship that we have. My reaction is the way I feel. I don't think I can be that way with Jordan and move on, at least I don't think that I can right now. I didn't say anything to Jordan in the dream because I don't think he needs to know how hard it is for me. I mean, if he wants to know, I'll tell him, but I try not to offer information anymore because people don't always want to hear about it.

I think that Jordan and Ghiang were corrupted by the money because most people to get corrupted by money, but I know tyhat I wouldn't. It's not really important to me. The pressure of getting caught was the worrying I have for him again and making the plan and following through with it was me doing anything I can to help him. Keeping that money? Well, that was the way that I always try to make people happy and a way to show that I don't like Jordan to feel like his efforts are wasted.

The reason I didn't have to explain what was going on with the plan to Jordan when it was over is because I don't need to explain things to him. We understand eachother without words. The look on his face almost always tells me more than the words he speaks. The hug and kiss were just something normal, more of a "I told you I'd take care of things and everything is all right."

The feeling at the end of the dream is because I don't think that we'll ever stop facing obstacles. I'm worried that he might think that later on, when I'm not around, I won't be there for him, but the truth is that I'll always be there for Jordan if he really needs me. That's what true friendship is.

backlashed @ 2005-04-11T07:57:00

2005-04-11T12:36:09Z

I had a very odd and complicated dream last night. It was about Jodan, Ghiang and I. We stole $85,000 from somewhere, I'm not sure. I know that doesn't seem that abnormal, but that's just the beginning of it.

The dream was like I was reading a book about mine and Jordan's lives and living it at the same time. The person who had given the book told me that Jordan died in it. After that I went back into living the book, knowing that he was supposed to die, but trying to use my actions to change it, without telling him. It was weirder because the only person who looked like themself was Jordan. I was this hot Eurasian chick and Ghiang looked different, but I don't remember what he looked like because he was just a side character in the book.

Then we were all in Jordan's room, like it is when Jordan, Ghiang, David and I used to hang out together, just David wasn't there. Jordan did something he normally doesn't do infront of people and actually sang a jingle while doing it. Then when I responded to it, he got all weird on me. He said something like "Can't we just touch so that there isn't any emotion or reactions like that? We should have a relationship that's just a friendship with the way we are together now." Then I thought that it might be impossible for us to have a friendship like that, but I didn't say anything.

Anyway, the money eventually started to corrupt certain members of the group (Jordan and Ghiang). Everyone felt like we were going to get caught soon and I was the one that was carrying the money. I realized that if we kept the money, we would get caught and there's no way we would get out of going to jail. Putting the plan I had thought up into action, I took 3 $1000 packs of the money out of the duffelbag that we kept it in and shoved it in my pocket.

Jordan then came up to me and asked me for the money, I knew that he and Ghiang were goimng to take it and run off. They would get caught and probably would be shot by the police (by the way, I had actually not taken part in the stealing of the money, but got involved later). Ghiang was obviously angry for some reason, so I took one of the packs of money and put it in Ghiangs hand. Then a famous person (I'm not sure who it was, but they were rich and a philanthropist) came by and I gave them the bag of money. Later, they gave the money to different non-profit organizations and I assumed burned the bag.

Jordan looked confused after I gave the person his money. I took the other pack out and gave it to him. He smiled. I didn't have to explain that what I did was the only way we could've gotten out of it. The police wouldn't find it suspicious that a rich person had tens of thousands of dollars to give away and the star, wouldn't have turned us in because they really cared about the charities and turning us in would mean taking back all that money from deserving people. I gave Jordan a hug and a kiss on the cheek after I handed him his share of the cash.

I think that was the end of the dream because I can't remember anything after that except the feeling that this wasn't the end of the book and Jordan could still die. I guess I should continue this entry with my analisis of the dream, but I don't have time. I'll do that in the next entry.

Just Another Entry

2005-04-07T12:30:21Z

Yesterday I had to fake sick to get out of school on a half day. I had been sick earlier, but my mom didn't believe me so she made me go to the doctor. HaHaHa. In you're face, mom. The doctor gave me Allegra because of my allergies, so I didn't get in trouble for missing school, and I got to work at the office, so that means MORE MONEY!

So I took the Allegra and it made me really drowsy. I was almost completely unfunctional the first hour and a half I was at work (Homegoods). Then I had to do lots of stuff. I ended up only taking one break instead of two, so I could finish it. I put together, two pillow endcaps and put out three bins and four boxes of pillows with Chris. Chris has worked their a long time, but she has never really put pillows out, so I had to teach her how we had to do them. It took a long time and it was more complicated then you'd think, but we finished and it looked really nice.

I got home at about 8.45 last night. The internet was down at my house, so I couldn't go on and talk to people. That was kind of a bummer, but I'm over it. I'm supposed to be going to RIT tomorrow, if plans haven't changed. That means we'll prolly have to leave home at 3am. It's supposed to be a 5 hour drive, but the last time we would have made it in 4 if we hadn't stopped. I'm really looking forward to going to school there. Tonight I'll have to get all my shit ready to hand in to them.

I really hate this stupid thing my mom is forcing me to do. I cannot live on $10 a week. What does she expect me to do when she makes me pay for everything? Next she'll be trying to make me give her gas money, when I already have someone who "borrows" money from me for gas, but I'm going to have to put an end to that (sorry, Jordan). I can't even get lunch at school anymore. The lack of funds is a real drag, but I guess other things are good (I'm going to the movies on Saturday. yay).

Well, I'm going to try and rest my fingers. I'll need all the engergy I have for the reast of school (8-2), work (4-10) and tomorrow (I have to get up at prolly 2.30 and then i'm at RIT from 8-12, I think). Later.

Today

2005-04-05T03:19:52Z

Today was a pretty good day. It was the start of the last term in school. Yay (finally)! Actually, this year seems to have gone by pretty fast. Maybe its because I've been so busy. I talked to a nice person today. That's all that really happened besides school. Well, I'm going to go to bed, I think. Catch ya later.

backlashed @ 2005-03-31T22:44:00

2005-04-01T03:51:03Z

01. I've always been a loner.
02. Pretty girls make me squeal.
03. I like long hair on girls.
04. I'm second in my class.
05. I have a bad habit of using faces. Like ^^ or XD.
06. I have multiple eating disorders.
07. I hate when people pretend to be bi in order to be trendy.
08. I hate the phrase "metrosexual."
09. My goal in life is to travel.
10. kyo. <33
11. I detest children.
12. I'm still a child at heart.
13. I'm the best at ping pong.
14. I was in love with Johnny Depp before anyone even considered making The Pirates of the Caribbean.
15. pink is one of the best colors.
16. I am pro-choice.
17. No offense, but I'm sick of seeing Jack Sparrow icons.
18. People say I have no body fat, but oh, are they wrong.
19. I prefer being single.
20. I'm a jealous person.
21. I hate criticism, even though it helps me more than I think it does.
22. I don't know how to respond to compliments.
23. I love writing, even though I think my writing is terrible.
24. I wear a ton of makeup.
25. I look at everyone's AIM info every time theyre online, even though they rarely change.
26. I also read everyone's away messages.
27. I have been known to play video games for unhealthy amounts of time.
28. I am passionate about all of my interests.
29. I hate people who hold strong opinions on things they know nothing about.
30. I hate when people look over my shoulder.
31. I don't like what I look like.
32. I'm a grammar-nazi.
33. I procrastinate. A LOT.
34. I hate DragonBall Z.
35. I sleep too little.
36. Je parle le francais.
37. I am obsessed with making journal icons.
38. I eat more junk food than regular food.
39. I think LJ is the best journal site out there.
40. In fact... I really dislike GJ.
41. I cry over everything.
42. A lot of people in my school dislike me and i could care less.
43. I complain about everything.
44. I have a very high-pitched voice.
45. I squeak a lot, involuntarily, and often get made fun of for it.
46. I'm indecisive.
47. It makes me mad when things I like become trendy.
48. I could live off of sushi.
49. I have a lot more money than do most of my friends.
50. I like girls with blonde hair.
51. No one listens to the same music as me
52. It is a proven fact that I prefer talking to people online if they use complete sentences and correct grammar/punctuation.
53. It's easier than most would expect to make me cry.
54. I'm tired of worrying about shit.
55. I correct others' spelling/grammar quite often.
56. I don't play any team sports for my school.
57. I want to go to Japan
58. I hate sounding obsessed with a musical artist.
59. I like when my friends write me letters, it makes me feel special.
60. I never want to get married.
61. I like PIRATES!
62. I hate any alcoholic drinks.
63. I prefer urban life over rural life.
64. I'm obsessed with lacoste.
65. I like to make my own clothes.
66. My grades are very important to me.
67. Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate everyone.
68. I hate a lot of people.
69. Androgyny is sexy.
71. I rant too much.
72. I hog the covers.
73. I'm online a lot.
74. I am a good judge of character.
75. I find it difficult to be friends with stupid people.
76. I am obsessed with anime.
77. I like to read a lot.
78. I can be really mean when I want to.
79. I can also be more thoughtful than a lot of people.
80. I always try to help others as much as I can.
81. I'm very irritable.
82. I've never cheated in school, and I hate people that do.
83. I've never cheated in a relationship, and if anyone ever cheated on me, he would never get a second chance.
84. My parents are divorced.
85. Narrow minded people make me want to get a gun.
86. I have a stepmother.
87. I love ice cream.
88. I haven't watched The Sound of Music yet.
89. I hate people that cut to be trendy, and I think it's just crazy that there are people who only do that to be cool.
90. I hate having the feeling that I'm not going to go anywhere in life.
91. I don't like crowds
92. I hate people that think the mall is the root of all evil. It's just a place. Get over it.
93. I'm not as much of a TV addict as I used to be.
94. Most of my friends hate Bush
95. I am better at keeping secrets than are most of my friends.
96. I'm a lazy ass. I really am.
97. I love my parent(s).
98. I am not yet in college
99. I have no idea where I'd like to go to college
100. I wish there were more questions, I’m on a roll.
The bold print is for what I agree with, underlined is sort of, and normal is what doesn't apply. This came from Jon's lj.

Another Day...

2005-03-31T20:17:08Z

I've decided and have planned out my final project for Art. I'm making a short comic. It's called "Super Cute Chibi Sakura". The first issue has one episode and then a mini-episode. The story is about this girl who fights aliens and after she defeats them, they turn into plushies and she keeps them for her plushie collection. It's a little silly, but super cute! I guess that I'm kind of going through a cute phase right now. You see my user picture? That's what I plan to do with my hair. Cute, isn't it? Well, I gotta work on some stuff for school. That's all for right now.

Liza says "hi".

2005-03-29T13:19:30Z

Liza's imput: Eheeeeeeeeeeeem. The ants go marching one by one hurah, hurah, the ants go marching one by one hurah, hurah...the ants go marching one by one the little one stops to suck his thumb and they all go marching down..to the ground..to get..of the rain..dun dun dun. thank you, thank you very much. the end. back to you jaq.

Please excuse that interuption (I mean performance), I wouldn't get the computer back if I didn't let her do that. Anyway...

It doesn't seem like I'll be going to animeboston, Jordan can't go (financial reasons). Maybe I can convince him to go with me for just one of the days. That way we don't have to stay in a hotel and parking'll prolly be only like $5. The costs would be $60 amition (2), $20 gas, $15 food and $5 parking. Making it a total of $100 for both of us. This way we'd prolly only need to get about $150 each. That's not that bad. I think he spent about that in Chinatown, and if he really needed it, I could prolly front him the money since I already have $100 of it at least.

If that doesn't work out, we might be able to go to the one in Philly June 3-5. It doesn't seem as good though, and neither of them look like they'll even come close to BAAF. I'm going to miss out on it again this year. Last year it was cancelled because of the Republican National Convention and this year, i have to be at RIT before it takes place on Labor Day weekend. It really isn't fair. Ah well, I'll get over it.... eventually.

The Con...

2005-03-28T13:40:45Z

I found out that there's an anime convention in Boston. It's called animeboston (original, huh?) and it runs from April 29th - May 1st. It doesn't seem like it'll be as good as BAAF, but I need to go.

I figure that it'll cost about $230 for the room if I book it with hotels.com at this place called Chandler Inn. It'll be $90 or $100 to ge the weekend pass depending if we preregister or not. Gas will probably be about $20 and there will prolly be a parking fee too, let's say it's $20, just to make an estimate.

You don't eat that much during cons. There's too much to do, we'll prolly eat only 6 meals because there's no time in the afternoon. Let's just say that'll be $60 for the both of us and I'll definitely bring bottled water with me, so we won't have to buy any. I'll bring snacks too.

Not including all the things that we're prolly going to buy in the exhibition room. It's going to cost aproximately $425 for the both of us, or $215 bucks a person. I'll prolly need $100 spending money and an extra $50 for emergency. This means I'll have to get about $375 for the trip. Wow.

backlashed @ 2005-03-26T21:02:00

2005-03-27T02:07:50Z

Today was such a total bore. First, I had to go to my parents' office to sit at the computer while my dad tried to fix the door handle. Later, i went to work at 3. It was fine in the beginning. I got to move some stuff around and make a pillow display on one of the end-caps. But the last 45 minutes was really killing me, but I survived. I bought my sister a pillow for her room. It was originally $19.99, but it got clearneced down to 3 bucks, so I got it for $2.84 with my discount. I love finding bargains like that! I dunno why, but working at HomeGoods makes me want to become an interior designer, but I'm majoring in Graphic Media. Well, I'm gunna play a game on Yahoo! I love DIner Dash, I might just buy it.

backlashed @ 2005-03-24T10:50:00

2005-03-24T16:05:03Z

I'm not so upset any more. Jordan and I are going to hang out after he gets out of work at 5. I don't really care if Ghiang or David comes over, but if they smoke I'll have to leave the room. On Monday and Friday last week I came home high because they forgot to open the window. Even worse, on Monday I think my brother got high from smelling the smoke on my clothes when I was reading him a bed-time story. When I got home on Friday, my parents sat me down and gave me a long talk. I still don't know if they believe me when I say that I don't smoke and I never had. I didn't drink when I was at Jordan's house either. They told me that even being in the room with them when they're smoking can get me in trouble if the police came. I know that's not likely at all, but I don't want to take any chances. If I ever get into trouble with the law, I won't be going to college. I'd prolly kill myself if it happened and I couldn't go to RIT.

Anyway, so I got Jeanette (my sister) earings for her birthday. She liked them a lot and it was good because I got her one fancy set and then I got a 3-pack and gave her one pai9r of those that I though she'd like the best. She put them on as soon as I gave them to her. She got an ipod mini and a case too. She also got a watch and a neckless with her first initial on it. It seemed liek a good birthday for her. They went out to eat, and I got Lee's Garden at work last night (I got Dunkin' Donuts too!). Well, I've kind of run out of things to say, so I'm gunna do something, I dunno.

Phone calls

2005-03-23T14:18:03Z

Honestly, I am super pissed. On Monday, Jordan doesn't call me back and then on Tuesday, after I forgave him and everything, he doesn't call again. I don't think that it's me in particular that he forgets, but I can't help reevaluating our friendship when he does things like that. I know he cares because he did try to make it up to me yesterday, but it still makes me feel like crap. I don't feel that what happened between us on Friday was a mistake, but it just doesn't seem like it was worth doing if he can't even call me when he says he will. I don't think he understands how the little things are what's really important to me. The little things are what really say a person cares about you. I always thought that a bestfriend should be someone you can depend on, not someone who doesn't think about you enough that they forget to pick up a phone and dial a few numbers.

It wouldn't be hard for him to make it up to me. All it would take is for him to pick me up from work when he gets out and for us to spend some time alone together. I could never stay mad a cute face like that and being with him makes me feel better. That's what a bestfriend does. He doesn't need to say that he's sorry or make me any promises that he probably won't keep. A bestfriend doesn't say that they'll try and call, they just will. A bestfriend doesn't get jealous when you say you like another guy.

That reminds me, the Monday before last, when we went to dinner, I told Jordan that I liked his friend Ghiang. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I like your friends.
Jordan: Yea, you'd like to bang 'em.
Me: (pause) Not David.
Jordan: Ghiang?! The ladies do love him.
Me: Well he is a good looking guy.
Jordan: So you really like him?
Me: Would it be a problem if I did?
Jordan: No, but I wouldn't suggest him as a boyfriend.
Me: why not?
Jordan: because he's ....(reasons x,y,z)

It obviously made him jealous. Later, Ghiang invited me to go on the trip to Chinatown with them. During the rest of the week whenever he mentioned it he would try and convince me not to go. He was acting all jealous, which in one way I liked because I don't want him to want me to be with another guy, but in another way, it kind of made me think that he really doesn't want me to be happy. He said he didn't want to go out with me before, so it isn't fair to make me feel bad for wanting to be with someone. I didn't even ever really want to go out with Ghiang in the first place, I never said I did. Jordan just assumed and all I really thought was that Ghiang was cute. I don't know about most other people, but I don't ask someone out just because they're attractive, I have to feel something like I did when I met Jordan for the first time. I didn't feel anything like that when I met Ghiang. I let Jordan go on thinking that I wanted Ghiang because he was being so jealous he prolly wouldn't listen to me anyway. I really don't like his jealousy and I don't really want to be someone else's girlfriend right now, but what about when I am, how is it going to be then?

Today is my sister's birthday and all I really want to do is see Jordan and tell him everything. I haven't even gotten her present yet. Maybe my mom will let me go to the mall and get it with Jordan since he doesn't have to work. I doubt it. Happy birtday, little sis.

Chinatown

2005-03-22T13:40:08Z

Sunday, I went with Jordan, Ghiang, David and Nancy to Chinatown in NYC. I've been to NYC many times before and spent three days there pretty much by myself, but I don't think I've ever gone to Chinatown before. I had fun, even though Jordan kept questioning my enjoyment. They also made fun of me because I didn't seem to eat much, but I really did eat most of my lunch, I just couldn't finish because sometimes I get sick when I eat too much and do a lot of walking. It was sweet how Jordan was concerned about me getting lost or falling behind, but still a little annoying because I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself and they weren't walking all that fast. I bought some stuff, but compared to David, Ghiang, Nancy and especially Jordan, I hardly bought a thing. Well, like I said, it was fun, I'm glad I went.

There were really only two disappointments, one was that I couldn't find "Gravitation" and the other was that I didn't get to spend any alone time with Jordan. Really, its the only time I don't have to appeal to other people. When we're alone together there isn't anything to worry about and we can just be there, you know, the silence isn't awkward like with other people and I feel important to someone. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when he doesn't call me when he says he will, it makes me feel like I'm not important and if I'm not important to my bestfriend, how can I be important to anyone. Really, I know that I'm important to him, I just don't always feel that way because of the things he does.

I'm really glad that I got accepted to RIT and they gave me $15,000 for intuition, I'm just worried its not going to be enough. Even if I can't get the money for school, I'm moving out of the house. I have too, its too crowded there and I see too much of my family. I feel smothered at home and my parents are really restrictive. I don't care if I just move accross town, I'm just getting out. Well, on that note, I'm going to end my rambling and get to art class.

New Journal

2005-03-22T12:15:59Z

This is the last new journal, I promise! hehehe.